I remember the day so clearly as if it were yesterday! It was a Friday and Tom was at work I was busy packing our stuff to head to the cottage for the long weekend. Around 10 in the morning my phone rang and it came up as a unknown number which I knew meant the agency. My heart started racing and I quickly picked up the phone. The lady on the other end explained that there had been a baby boy born in the night and they were looking for a foster home for him and asked would we be willing to take him from the hospital later that day. Of course I said! So I hung up and quickly called Tom and updated him. I then ran out to get some diapers and formula and a few clothes for the little guy, since we had never had a newborn boy I had nothing for the little guy to wear! After returning home I got another call around noon. I assumed they were calling to let me know he had been discharged and we could go get him but unfortunately they were calling to say a family member had come forward and would be taking the little guy home. Dissappointment set in hard and quick! All the excitement for a new little one to love on and just as quickly as my excitement built it was shattered. I didn’t cry but I was feeling really bummed out and tried really hard to keep busy to distract myself from all the nasty thoughts and feelings of hopelessness that were all around me. Earlier in the morning I had attended a foster support group and one of the other foster moms (who had become a close friend) shared how her now adopted daughters birth mom was expecting again. I was surprised she hadn’t mentioned it to me sooner but didn’t think much about it. Fast forward to around 3pm that same day my phone rang again. Once again a “unknown” number appeared and my stomach did a quick flip. What did they want now? Was it another placement? Was the baby boy actually going to be coming to our home today? Quickly with my heart racing and my stomach in my chest I answered. I was shocked to hear the lady introduce herself as an adoption worker. She explained to me that they had a birth mom who was due to give birth any time now and they were looking for a foster to adopt family. *For those who don’t know what foster to adopt means it is when the birth mom does not consent to the adoption or choose to place her child for adoption – but for many different reason is unable to parent that child and the society feels it is in the childs best interest to be placed for adoption.* The reason our name came up was because it was our friends birth mom and our friends felt like their family was complete but they really felt it would be valuable for the baby to be placed with a family that had similar values and beliefs to them as well as the siblings could at least know one another. I immediately started crying I couldn’t believe this was happening. My heart was racing I was shaking and trying so hard to listen to everything she had to say but all I wanted to do was call Tom. She explained to me how foster to adopt carries a lot of risk with it because ultimately it is up to a judge whether or not the child can be adopted and that this baby had been exposed to some things in utero that we needed to be aware of and prepared to deal with if we choose to say yes. All I wanted to say was it didn’t matter we would take this risk this baby was for us I just knew it. She told me to talk it over with my husband and let her know on Monday because they really had no idea how quickly this baby would be born and they wanted to be prepared. I assured her I felt our decision would be a yes but to be fair I would of course talk to Tom before giving a definitive answer.

Our decision was unanimous and instantaneous without a doubt we wanted this baby! This baby was who we had been longing for and praying for. We excitedly told our families over the course of the weekend and we were so anxious and excited to talk more with the adoption worker on Tuesday (since Monday was a holiday). Tuesday morning bright and early I nervously, but equally as excitedly, called the adoption worker to tell her YES! She was happy to hear that we wanted this sweet baby and she explained that due to lack of prenatal care the baby could come at any time so have our phones on all the time. Oh and the baby… “It’s a boy”. A sweet baby boy… we were so excited and started talking about names and getting the nursery ready! We had such a hard time deciding on a boys name. We had picked a little girls name out long time ago but a boys name was so much harder for us to agree on. Every day I woke up wondering is today going to be the day! I had a peace in my heart and I was some how able to smile even though I was still grieving the loss of our little girl I was starting to feel a sense of joy in my heart. I found hope again that maybe even after all the struggles and heart break I really would be a mommy and have my forever baby. June 1st came and a little bit of panic and fear set in. Why hasn’t the baby been born? Is everything ok? With foster adopt there are so many factors out of your control and things that you are “left out of”. It wasn’t like I could just check in with birth mom to see if everything was ok. Once again we were playing the waiting game… the game that I hate so much. By the second week of June every night I went to bed feeling a sick pit in my stomach and the feeling of discouragement wanted me to succumb to the thoughts and lies that this really wasn’t going to be our happy ever after. Oh but June 13th everything changed!

The morning of Wednesday, June 13 my husband and I were both sitting on our couch ironically talking about baby names. I said to him “You know this baby is going to be born and we still haven’t decided on a name”. At the time my husbands job involved shift work so he was home for the day and would be going into work later that afternoon. My phone rang and I remember looking at my husband saying “its the agency” and for that split second my body was full of a ray of different emotions. The lady on the other end explained that birth mom had been brought into the hospital and was in labour! Our baby was going to be born today!! I couldn’t sit still after that I was so excited it felt better than Christmas morning. A few hours later we got the call that the baby had been born and we could head up to the hospital. I was so excited I almost hung up without asking details because I  just wanted to rush up to the hospital but before hanging up I said to the nurse “And the baby was indeed a boy, correct?” and she replied “A boy? no baby is a girl!” As she said it my mind was spinning so I stupidly replied “Are you sure?” and she said “Yes its a girl I am sure”. I felt like it was all a dream. I was getting my baby girl! We never did decide on a boys name but we didn’t need one we had our girl name for our sweet baby girl! Oh the nursery was going to need to be redone and all the boys clothes needed to be returned but  I didn’t care the only thing on my mind was getting up to the hospital to meet my baby girl! I knew once I held her I was never letting go!

She was the most beautiful itty bitty little thing and I was instantly head over heals in love with her. She was so perfect and she was everything I had ever dreamed my daughter would be. Due to the things she was exposed to in utero she had to stay in the hospital for a few days for monitoring but the hospital was fabulous. They treated us like normal new parents. We were given a room and I could stay with her round the clock. We spent our 5th (June 16) wedding anniversary in the hospital snuggling our baby girl. We had a trip to British Columbia planned for our anniversary but that was quickly cancelled and I can say that that anniversary was my favourite to date and definitely one that I will never forget!

There are so many other details I could share but I will spare you and jump to the important details. In August are sweet baby girl went crown ward no access meaning we could legally adopt her. This is the photo we sent our family and close friends after getting the call. And yes I had been bawling… tears of joy of course!

 

Than we had to wait 6 month to legally make her ours. We signed the official papers on December 21… and even though in are hearts and minds she was our daughter from day one something about signing those papers and seeing her name with our last name felt so good and so settling. It was the best early Christmas gift ever.

 

This isn’t the end to our story obviously and since each one of my babies are equally important I will save the next part of our story for another post. Plus it is 1:00 am I have a few hours to sleep before catching my flight to Vancouver but I promised to have this post out this week and I didn’t want to disappoint! Thank you to those of you who have been reading along with “Our Story” and for all the sweet comments on my posts. It is scary to be so vulnerable and open with our story but I love our story and if it helps others in any way sharing it makes it worth it! Our journey has been hard  and at times unbearable but when I read what I’ve wrote and allow myself to remember how I felt in those moments it’s all worth it. When I kiss each one of my babies goodnight the pain, sadness, heartbreak, disappointment all of it is forgotten. They have been worth it all. It wasn’t the journey I chose but I am thankful for it because I have been made stronger through it and I have the most beautiful miracles because of it.

Have a great weekend … to see pictures from my trip to Vancouver fall me on  my Instagram!