My computer has been giving me the saddest eyes longing for me to put it to use over the past few weeks but other than responding to emails I haven’t found a spare second to sit down and put my thoughts onto paper or should I say onto the screen. I have so much I want to blog about and yet once again I can’t find the time to do so. So this morning the sun is shining, it is warm enough for the kids to be playing in the back yard, the baby is sleeping soundly in his swing and I have my starbucks, my computer and Im ready to make this post happen just praying I get a chance to finish it.
I was up most of the night last night between sleep walking/bad dreams, one with a croupy cough, one losing her soothers and a baby who needs fed every few hours this mama is exhausted. If you watched my instastories the other day you would have heard me voicing my burning question do you as a mama or a parent ever feel inadequate or under qualified to do your role as a parent? In no way am I complaining cause I truly believe being a mommy is the greatest gift I have ever been given and one I don’t take lightly but some days lately more often I feel so unqualified to be raising my sweet little humans. Maybe it is because this is all new territory for me and my two oldest are now becoming an age where they are less dependant on me and more aware of things being said and done around them (like little sponges). If you know anything about adoption and fostering you would know that in order to become a adoptive or foster parent you have to do some extensive “schooling” which in Canada is called Pride Training as well as you have a home study done. So in short you have to be qualified and pass your training in order to be a parent which is silly in some regards but for my husband and I it was just part of our “labour pains” to becoming parents and we were happy to do so for our babies but my goodness where is the training once they are past the diapers and night feeding. Where is the training for dealing with the sassy, mouthy 3 year old? Or how about my dramatic, very expressive emotional 4 year old? How do you answer the hard questions that they have or when they behave in a manor that is totally not like them and you are left feeling embarrassed, shocked even mortified? I realize that this is part of the growing pains as a parent but man some days I get an overwhelming sense of fear that I am doing this all wrong. I want my daughters to grow up and love themselves for the way they are, I want them to see their self worth and never let anyone, male or female, talk down to them or belittle them or their value. I want them to be good mama’s one day and to make good wives. I want my son to grow up to be a gentleman, to value women and to be a confident young man. I want him to not be afraid to show his emotions and to work hard but also see the need and value to rest. I want all of my babies to love others more than themselves and to be kind in all they do. To always be willing to go the extra mile and to look for good in everyone and every situation. To have a sense of adventure and not be afraid to take risks. I want them to love our planet and take care of God’s creation. I want them to dream big and work hard to achieve those dreams because they are attainable. But am I raising them in a way that they will exemplify these qualities. When I lose my temper and raise my voice what am I teaching them? I admit many days I feel like I am failing them and I try and give myself grace after all I am only human and I know that God is good and gracious and he takes my good intentions and where I fall short he makes up for my shortcomings but I see parents around all the time now who I personally feel don’t take their role as a parent seriously enough. I am in no place to judge and thats not what I am trying to do but parents who just turn a blind eye to their children’s behaviour or just accept bad behaviour as “they are just a kid”. Lets not forget children grow up they don’t stay kids but they become the next generation. They become the citizens of our country, they become husbands and wives and moms and dads. The first few years of your babies lives are so impressionable and we only have such a short time really in the span of their lives were we get to have an influence and shape their minds, their character and the souls. Holy Crap that is scary!? Maybe I am the only one that feels this way but when you think about it like this it makes the times in the day where I fail to take that extra minute to talk to my kids about something they say or do or when I rush them away so I can finish something so much more major instead of minor. I think for me that is partly why blogging has once again got put on the back burner if you will. I have just been so aware lately how quickly time with my kids goes by and I need to be so intential about the time I have with them. And since our little baby joined our family (over a month ago already) my hands have been even more full than usual (and so is my heart so no complaining) but I have no idea how long this baby boy is with us so each day I get to love on him is important it is shape him into the little person he will be and subsequently their hasn’t been any time left for me or for the things I enjoy like blogging and even gosh dangit shopping but thats ok cause in the grand scheme of life I have years for doing those things once my littles aren’t little anymore! For many this post has no point or no meaning to you maybe I needed to write this more for myself than for you my amazing readers but here you have just a few things that have been weighing on my heart. And now the baby is awake needing fed and my 1 year old is crying for my attention so I must resume my mommy duties which is the best job in the world!
*Edit: I typed this post yesterday but didn’t get a chance to edit it or add the photos till tonight – now that is #reallife my friends*